The Tramp is 'planning' her crush's birthday Party

Ma Middleton is reported to be getting desperate in the rubbish she feeds to the Press. Unfortunately for her the whole world knows what a scheming social climber she is.

The whole world started seeing through her the day after the wedding, and in fact many before the wedding. It just gets worse all the time, she keeps sinking lower and lower all the time, and still she insists on trying to find schemes to make her look wonderful. Miserable failures each time and just digs the hole deeper and deeper. Be in Australia soon, poor them.

The trouble is you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear - with due apologies to all sows everwhere. I am getting so bored with this charade - will someone please wake me up when it is all over so I can enjoy the bubbly. Many thanks

- on ice plus the bucket of popcorn!